Every once in awhile, I would have trouble sleeping. Tonight it's really because I let little things irritate me and disturb my mind. I know I should let them go so I can sleep, but it's harder said then done.
So I take Pete's advice - instead of watching the inside of my eyelids for hours, I get up and do stuff until I am sleepy - read a chapter in Rays of Dawn, ate some yummy chicken and veggies and rice, watched an episode of "Gossip Girl", and responded to emails. Now I am posting. It's 3:12am. I am tired but not sleepy.
Something in the back of my mind still disturbs me. not sure what it is. I think it's indecision. I hate being wishy washy but I realized surprisingly that I am also a pleaser to a select few in my life. Because of that, I make decisions based on what I think pleases them and then realize they really didn't care either way and if I did what I wanted, I would have made a different decision.
I didn't think I am that person in general, but I guess I am that person in certain circumstances. It frustrates me because it's not like they demand or ask me to act this way. I put it all on myself to be this way because I care, but I think sometimes, I and they would be happier if I cared less. At least I am aware that's what I am doing and therefore I can adjust and change. I know I am being vague but it's late and I just want to ramble a bit. It's making me sleepy which is a good sign :-)
I am nostalgic of the days of childhood when I always just sleep easily. No over-worrying of unimportant things. Adults used to tell me to enjoy my childhood as there are a lot more to worry about when I grow up. I didn't believe them as I am sure my daughter won't believe me. Once I became an adult though, I understood. C'est la vie. Time to sleep and dream happy dreams. Good night!
- Lei
p.s.: don't worry mom, I am fine and healthy. I am sure I will sleep like a baby now and tomorrow :-)
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