Got Milk?

Not a lot and I am kind of sad about it. I love breastfeeding Isabel. I feel so close to her when I breastfeed her. My favorite moments are when I lie down to feed her and she falls asleep snoring. She sound so happy and at peace and I end up falling asleep with her. I feel like I just got a A+ on a test and I got to sleep through the whole thing :-) (nerdy I know, but true).

I also love breastfeeding her on the rocking chair with the boppy pillow. She sometimes would just drift off to sleep and I can just watch her breathe. Unlike lying down where I can't see her well while she feeds, I can see every single details sitting on the chair. I used to love watching her eyelashes grow over time as I feed her. It's also such a content, serene feeling to just watch her sleep. It's like I can feel all the innocence and wonder in the world through her calm breathe and dreamy expression.

Breastfeeding of course has not been all "hot chocolate and smiles." It was definitely quite challenging at first.

-I had blood blisters for the first 10 days and therefore piercing pain whenever she fed which was about 10 times a day.

-My shoulders and arm used to ached so much because I didn't know how to hold her well when she fed and I was tense that she was uncomfortable.

-She sometimes cried even when she was feeding. It was rare but when it happened I felt so inadequate even though it may not have anything to do with milk. She may just need to burp or sometimes it's because I was dehydrated so milk was coming as fast for her.

-After 4 or 5 months, the TV would distract if I fed her in the living room and it was like a wrestling match to fed her at times.

-I also had trouble pumping milk. It took me four weeks to learn and get used to it. The first time I pumped, my nipples literally doubled in size and hardened. It freaked me out.

- Last, but not the least, breastfeeding means never having a full night sleep. Up until last months, I was getting up still at least once a night to pump as Isabel is sleeping through the night but my breasts were full of milk by 6am and would wake me up.

I am sure there were other challenges as well, although I don't remember anymore.

It all worked out in the end and it is worth all the effort. I was really determined to breastfeed her. There is definitely no substitute that is quite the same. I felt so needed every time she fed. Now that is changing. I was so afraid that she won't reach out for me the same since I have less milk. It turns out to be a silly worry. She is almost 10 months and knows I am her mommy. While I only feed her twice a day and the rest is formula or solids, she still looks so excited to see me at all times. Ahh, what a great feeling to be a mom. Isabel shows me everyday what unconditional love looks like and I am basking in the glow of it.

-Lei

Happiness depends on me

Taking a break from "baby talk" ....

A friend of mine sent me this article a few weeks ago, called The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough and asked me what I thought. It's a very long article, but the basic idea seems to be, in order to be happy, women should settle and marry Mr. Good Enough once they hit a certain age instead of staying single and waiting for Mr. Perfect.

I was surprised that the article actually made me think a lot... Perhaps I have too much time on my hand. My take is the article actually misses the point all together. I think happiness in relationships and marriage starts with you and not as much the mate you choose. I like to think this because it gives us women more power in the matter of our happiness. If we want the happiness we see others have in marriage, we must start from within with Self-Awareness, Confidence, and Openness.

Self Awareness
First, it take some self awareness to realize that there is no Mr. Perfect. Trying to find Mr. Perfect is only a losing battle. I only learned this myself in my 30s as I looked for Mr. Perfect in all of my 20s and never found any. I was very quick to start seeing the flaw in others with every guy I dated. Not a fun or rewarding experience. Not surprisingly, everyone I met had flaws. In my 30s, I realized however, if I for some reason, found Mr. Perfect, what is to say he will think I am Ms. Perfect?. Also, what can I contribute to the relationship if he is already perfect. That's when I changed my thinking and started looking for someone I can compliment.

Another part of self awareness is knowing what you must have in a relationship to be happy and what you can give up. This, to me, is NOT the same as settling, but more like self-understanding. There are probably AT MOST 10-15 attributes we need to be happy with our mate. Do you know what yours are? Can you distinguish that from that 50 other things that you may also want but can probably live without?

Lastly i find self awareness helpful to keep me realistic about who I can attract and can be attracted to me. I know a friend today who is probably a "7" but would only want to date men who are "9," but not too surprisingly none of those men want to date her. While this seems harsh, it also seems to be reality. Not everyone lives in it though. Unfortunately there is no easy way to tell a friend this even if you have the best intentions. The journey to self awareness needs to be self-initiated

Confidence
Another important factor to happiness is confidence. Let's say you know the 10 things you need in a mate to be happy and you know you are realistic about the type of men you can attract. As you get older, will you start waiving on what you need? I read a book from the eHarmony founder once that said if you only get 9 out of 10 of what you really need in a mate, then you could still be unhappy for the rest of your life in that marriage because you and your mate will always fight about that one thing.

Perhaps some people are ok with that, but I would call that settling. It takes a certain confidence to stick to what you need and to believe that you deserve to marry someone who have all 10 attributes of what you need. I am not talking perfection here. One of the ten things could be "we both want children" or "we both have similar level sex drive". On the other hand, "he has to be a good cook" is probably not one of the ten attributes that anyone needs to be happy. It may be what you want, but knowing the difference is self awareness and marrying someone only when you found everything you need takes confidence.

Openness
Last, but not the least is openness. Finding a good mate requires us to be open minded about what form they may come in. I used to know a woman who says I must marry someone who is smart and then turns around and actually only dates men who has a MBA from the top 20 schools. Then she complains that there are no good men out there. I find that tragic that she is missing out on so many smart men who may have not chosen to get a MBA or any graduate degrees. Heck, many CEOs today never finished college or go to a top tier college. By narrowing the criteria so tightly, this woman is only doing herself a disservice and probably missing out on chances to meet a good mate.

Similarly I hear about friends who only want to date someone successful and then if they are online, set the criteria at $100K in annual income. How arbitrary is that... and then of course, there are also those that says I can't do the online thing. Well, why the heck not? It can only increase your chances. Sometimes we seem to focus so much on saying that there are no good men out there for us as an excuse for our unhappiness, when in fact many times, we have limited our focus so much that it is us who is responsible for not finding that special someone and not so much that they are not out there.

Openness also mean being able to open up and be vulnerable once there is some potential in your dates. As we get older, I think we build a lot more walls around us. It is the same for men and women and frankly if you are waiting for the men to open up first, you may be waiting a long time. They do mature slower you know and someone has to lead the way and take a risk. Only when you take risks with your vulnerability in your emotion can you elicit possible openness.

At the end of the day, I believe it's our action and changes from within that can affect our own happiness with our current or future mate... There are many people out there doing the same thing over and over again and dating the same kind of men and then complain that life sucks. Well, change something within could help much more because doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result is the definition of insanity. We are not insane but I think it is just easier to blame others for our unhappiness.

Well, I believe we have the power to create our own happiness by changing our own perspective and action in life. There is no need to settle and get married when you reach a certain age. Marriage does not equate to happiness anyways since more than 50% of marriage fail in the US. Why settle and get those odds? With self-awareness, confidence, and openness, couldn't we all find Mr. Right eventually?

I know I found mine. He may not have come when I was 28 as I planned and is far from perfect, but I know we make each other better people when we are together and I know I can grow in life with him. I am an optimist I guess and believe everyone can find their right match if they just focused more energy on growing from within and changing themselves and their perspectives first.

- Lei

Valentine's Day - A day of love, tension, or both?

Happy Valentine's Day! This seems to be the most stressful day in the year. Singles don't like it because it's supposed to be for couples and all day serves as a reminder they are still single (even if they are fabulous).

Most long term couples also end up fighting about something during this week. Too much pressure and expectations are placed on the men that makes them edgy; women are usually more sensitive even if we don't really like the holiday. Love is expected to be in the air and therfore creates more tension.

I think V-Day is really created to boost the flower, chocolate, jewlery, and restaurant industries. It's also more of a holiday for new couples as there is so much expectations and meaning artificially built in - "are we exclusive? what will he get me? what does that mean?"

For us "old couples," it's more like "will he remember to get me a card?" "do we really want to overpay for our meal just to go out?" Usually the day or weekend after is the best as the expectations are over and we get to just enjoy each other's company like any other week.

Already I heard of 3 couples including me having fights this week with our spouses. It's perhaps a coincidence or the added tension of romance expectations. Either way, I always view this holiday with mixed feelings, expectations, and some relief when it's over.

I agree love should be celebrated. I just prefer to celebrate it every day throughout the year. :-)

- Lei

The Perfect Couple

I can only say that Lei and I have evolved in our relationship and our concept of being with the idea person. I believe it lies in perspective. Our perspective of the PERFECT partner has evolved. I think back at a time when our ideas of the perfect person for our relationship seemed so skewed. It's an idea of perfection that doesn't truly exist.

Then we met each other. And just when the two of us end up with who both of us thought was seemingly the most imperfect for us, it turns out to be ..... well ....... perfect!

I think this quote sums it up "perfectly":

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

_______

So for all of you perfectionists, here are some quotes on perfection that give perspective (try saying that 10 times fast!). Enjoy....

* The true perfection of the person lies not in what the person has, but in what the person is.

* Perfect numbers like perfect people are very rare.

* All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.

* It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others.

* No one becomes perfect, but some become great.

* If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

* The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect people.

* No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers.

* A designer knows he has achieved perfection, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

* The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

* Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best.

* This is the very perfection of a person, to find out his or her own imperfection.

* Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.

* Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything.

- Jaime

A great hubby :-)

This post will be a bit mushy and somewhat embarassing for Jaime, so consider yourself warned
This may be the hormones speaking or Jaime may be feeding me some love potion secretively. Either way, I am just very thankful what a great hubby he is to me. Also, he didn't actually pay me to say this (although honey, i accept checks, cash, and also non-monetary service payments :-))

In some ways, I didn't know what to expect of marriage. I was so focused on getting married that what comes after that is an open canvas. I guess that is a good thing - low expectation and high delivery.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying he is perfect. We are both far from being perfect. I know and he knows that Jaime can irritate me greatly and vice versa. Overall though, I am completely smittened.

Here is why... :-)

• He makes me laugh almost everyday (even when we have a bad meal out)


• He is super supportive of my career decisions and always helps me/us find balance and enjoyment of life


• He always washes the dishes (no complaints, no reminders needed) - what a saint!


• He will get up in the middle of the night and comfort me if I am suddenly sad or warms up my bean bag for my back if I am uncomfortable


• He has been doing the laundry ever since I have been pregnant - so I don't get overstrained


• He will refill my water in the morning as he knows I drink so much throughout the night


• He is always cool when I want to go out with girlfriends and always ask me when he wants to go out with his guy friends.


• He is content just hanging around the house and do things I can do - so I don't feel lonely


• When I am being unreasonable with some hormone tantrums, somehow he understands and just stay quiet until it passes. It always does. I know I was wrong, but he does not point it out and just let it pass.


• ...

Somebody pinch me. I can go on and on but I will stop here. I am just so happy to be married and expecting our first child. I know Jaime and I will continue to learn, grow, and laugh together :-)

- Lei