The Sound of Silence

is music to my ears and surprisingly Isabel's too. You will see what I mean. Three weeks ago, Isabel started crying out every night in the middle of the night. We were starting to worry that we had to have her cry it out again which is not easy for me to bear or that she will have to sleep with one of us. Our theory was that since she is older and also has slept with me a few nights here and there for a few hours, she is crying out to want me to pick her up and sleep with her in bed.

Agnes and I agonized for two or three nights. What do we do if she cries? How long to let her cry? Do we need to permanently allow her to sleep in bed with one of us? etc.. Well, boy were we on the wrong track.

Luckily, I was not fully willing to give up on her sleeping in her crib and thought maybe if we gave her a new bed time routine, she would not cry out for me in the middle of the night. So on the 4th night, we took her to the room and turn the lights on. I read to her a few books while turning on her music soother. Once I turned off the lights, I also held her for 5 more minutes and just spoke to her in Chinese about her day and telling her goodnight. Between the nice blue lights from her soother and more time with me, she seemed calm and went to bed no problem. She didn't cry that night at all and slept all the way until 7am.

One more thing, because of all the extra bed time routine, we forgot to turn on the classical music we play her all through out the night. I started doing that after I came back from Chicago and saw that Jaime's sister did that for her baby Gabby and she seems to sleep really well.

Well, long story short, the second night I did the same bed time routine with her and noticed one thing just before leaving the room. Isabel turned off her soother music before she went to sleep. And it dawned on me. She was crying in the middle of the night before because the classic music was probably too loud. Once she woke up she could not go back to sleep and she couldn't turn it off herself, unlike the soother.

We tested our theory - still continue the bedtime routine as well and no more classical music. Well, she has been sleeping like an angel. I guess it was too late of an age for her to get used to all night music after having silence for the first 15 months of her life. Unlike Gabby who is probably used to it, it bothered Isabel and she slept soundly in my room because there was silence.

Moral of the story: Never jump too quickly to conclusions as we don't always know what's going on. Also every baby is unique. What works for one may bother another.

Motherhood is a constant guessing game and a roller coaster ride. It's challenging and lots of learning that is worth every effort :-)

- Lei

Just hanging out with Isabel

I was reading the latest vampire craze book "new moon" on the bed. Jaime went out to get diapers (what a good daddy!). It was a rainy afternoon outside - damp but also warm. Isabel decided to come over and just hang out. I pulled her up to our bed (which is pretty high) and she just started playing with her new snack cup full of cheerios.

I was not tense like I usually am when she is on my bed - perhaps she is older and I think she knows not to try to jump off the edge or perhaps I just feel more at ease as a mom. I was not trying too hard to play with her (not secretly worried that maybe I am no fun for her). I guess I have been a bit like that ever since she was born.

I used to babysit for money as a teenager but after that my contact with babies and toddlers is minimal. Every time I did have contact, I always felt like I didn't know what they liked to play with, like I was too adult for them. I remember a time up to I was 20 when I was the head of the kids pack and everyone did follow me around and I played with them all. Well, I guess I transitioned to full "adulthood" and felt disconnected instead with most kids.

Yesterday was another transition I guess. I felt at ease being a mom. I knew I didn't have to try too hard to be with Isabel. She was just happy to be with her mommy (that' me - I still have to pinch myself sometimes on that thought). She would get up once in awhile on her feet like she was surfing and then fall on me or on our soft comforter.

I started also doing peek-a-boo with her using my book. She loved that and started giggling (a heavenly sound). I would read a little and she would pull my book down, so she can see me. The old me would have been annoyed by the constant interruption. The book is really good, but I was happy to just let her do whatever with me. Motherhood is teaching me to practice patience everyday. It also takes so little for her to be happy. She is just a happy kid. We are very lucky.

It was just a nice afternoon spending some time with my Isabel while reading. I am enjoying motherhood immensely with all its ups and downs. I highly recommend it.

- Lei

Parenthood is about Patience

Did you know that what we learned and conclude about ourselves between the ages of 0 to 7 years old, fundamentally determines who we are as adults - whether we are confident, perfectionist, overachievers, insecure, passionate etc...

If you look at any issues you may have today as adults, if you look deep enough, it's probably stems from something that happened between birth and age 7. It doesn't necessarily have to be something dramatic. This also doesn't mean you had bad parents. Your parents probably tried their best.

As I am a parent now, I am very conscious of what environment Isabel is living in and how I respond to her. She is an open book right now, a blank slate and it is important for me to realize how powerful my role is as a mom in her eyes. Of course, I can't and won't be perfect but just being conscious of how my response may affect her even if she doesn't seem to fully understand what's going on will help me be a better parent.

Recently, while reading in the book - Rays of Dawn - I learned something very important about parenthood. It said "to be hasty and inconsiderate with children breeds fear, discouragement, or self-condemnation."

I think how easy it can be sometimes for a parent to be impatient with a child. Children are great at interrupting parents no matter what we may be doing and it is our role as adults to realize that it's not the kids' fault to be excited and want to share something with me. It is our role to patiently educate kids to perhaps wait until I am done with something and not just react impatiently or drop everything whenever they call on us (which is unrealistic).

My relationship with Isabel hasn't gotten to that point yet as I am always so happy to see her but I can see once she starts walking and talking, she may want my attention all the time and I cannot always give it. In which case, I want to remind myself to be patient.

In this book, I also learned that "Many an inferiority complex can be attributed to a parent's or teacher's habitual impatient attitude toward a deficiency or a lack in the child." I can see this being especially true with Asian parents as we may focus too much attention on the 10 points a child may have missed on a test instead of also celebrating the 90 points she got. Culturally, we think this is tough love and will only make our kids better, but I think there is a balance to everything and Isabel will need as much encouragement and support from us as well as understanding where she can be better.

Parenthood is a challenge and a great adventure. I am so looking forward to educating Isabel on the wonders of the world, encouraging her to explore and perhaps make mistakes, be always curious to learn more, and letting her know that no matter what, we will always love her, support her. This is easier said than done, but I am enjoying every moment as a mom.

- Lei

Got Milk?

Not a lot and I am kind of sad about it. I love breastfeeding Isabel. I feel so close to her when I breastfeed her. My favorite moments are when I lie down to feed her and she falls asleep snoring. She sound so happy and at peace and I end up falling asleep with her. I feel like I just got a A+ on a test and I got to sleep through the whole thing :-) (nerdy I know, but true).

I also love breastfeeding her on the rocking chair with the boppy pillow. She sometimes would just drift off to sleep and I can just watch her breathe. Unlike lying down where I can't see her well while she feeds, I can see every single details sitting on the chair. I used to love watching her eyelashes grow over time as I feed her. It's also such a content, serene feeling to just watch her sleep. It's like I can feel all the innocence and wonder in the world through her calm breathe and dreamy expression.

Breastfeeding of course has not been all "hot chocolate and smiles." It was definitely quite challenging at first.

-I had blood blisters for the first 10 days and therefore piercing pain whenever she fed which was about 10 times a day.

-My shoulders and arm used to ached so much because I didn't know how to hold her well when she fed and I was tense that she was uncomfortable.

-She sometimes cried even when she was feeding. It was rare but when it happened I felt so inadequate even though it may not have anything to do with milk. She may just need to burp or sometimes it's because I was dehydrated so milk was coming as fast for her.

-After 4 or 5 months, the TV would distract if I fed her in the living room and it was like a wrestling match to fed her at times.

-I also had trouble pumping milk. It took me four weeks to learn and get used to it. The first time I pumped, my nipples literally doubled in size and hardened. It freaked me out.

- Last, but not the least, breastfeeding means never having a full night sleep. Up until last months, I was getting up still at least once a night to pump as Isabel is sleeping through the night but my breasts were full of milk by 6am and would wake me up.

I am sure there were other challenges as well, although I don't remember anymore.

It all worked out in the end and it is worth all the effort. I was really determined to breastfeed her. There is definitely no substitute that is quite the same. I felt so needed every time she fed. Now that is changing. I was so afraid that she won't reach out for me the same since I have less milk. It turns out to be a silly worry. She is almost 10 months and knows I am her mommy. While I only feed her twice a day and the rest is formula or solids, she still looks so excited to see me at all times. Ahh, what a great feeling to be a mom. Isabel shows me everyday what unconditional love looks like and I am basking in the glow of it.

-Lei

Today is a gift!

I just watched Kung Fu Panda yesterday and loved it. What I loved was it was funny, silly, and philosophical at the same time.

I laughed out loud so many times and there were some great deep moments. Here are two of my favorite sayings from the movie.

1. "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, and Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." It's so simple yet so difficult to achieve. Most of the time we are so worried about the future or thinking about what had happened in the past that we forget to be present at the current moment. This saying inspires me to treasure every moment with Isabel, with Jaime, with my family, and my friends and to stop worrying so much about what has happened or what may happen. Just enjoying life on the roller-coaster!

2. "There is no secret ingredient." Again, so simple yet profound. All we need is to believe in ourself and our abilities and extraordinary things happen. This is why I love Buddhist philosophy so much. It's simple to understand but take years to practice. As I find my footing as a new mom, I had moments of doubt of whether I can be a good mom. I begin to also care too much about what others think of me as a mom. Now I realize I judge myself too harshly as I sometime do others. It's important to go with the flow of life - experience happy moments, welcome challenging ones and have some mercy on myself. There is no secret ingredient to being a good mom or leading a happy life. I just have to believe and the rest will work itself out. :-)

- Lei

Enjoying the silence..

It was beautiful this past weekend, so I was able to wear this tube top I bought awhile back. Do I look huge?

It's funny how everyone has a different opinion. Some would say I must be having twins while others cannot believe I am this small and so close to delivering...

As for me, I feel just right. I think it's the yoga that help me adjust well to my new weight every week. Being in my 37th week, I haven't got anxious yet and surprisingly enjoying my time off every day.

I actually like it that time is passing slowly right now. Maybe I will get anxious next week or later. Right now, I would stop sometime and just listen and enjoy the silence. I know that's not going to be around much longer when the little one comes. I am sure I will enjoy her as well. But for these last four weeks, it's still just me and Jaime - I want to treasure this precious time and enjoy ourselves while we still can.

While I am so close to delivering, I still cannot believe I will be producing a baby out of my stomach or be a mom. A part of me is just enjoying this last moments of thinking only about me. I know that's all going to change when my baby comes into this world. So miraculous and strange.

I hope I don't become just a mom and nothing else. I think we can all choose to be who we want to be even with child. I still want to have fun with girlfriends, Jaime, and my little girl. I still want to travel and work and be a good mom. I am optimistic that all is possible if I just keep an open mind. I am lucky that Jaime is very open minded as well. I look forward to yet more adventures with him and our little girl for many years to come

-Lei

New appreciation for my mom and all mothers!

Becoming a mom is still so surreal. I may be 7 month pregnant but that doesn't really mean I am ready to be a mom or know much about what it means. It's still an unfathomable concept that a whole baby will come out of me and not some "stork" that will drop her off.

I guess I am still avoiding thinking too much about labor and delivery and how the heck a 7-8 pounds baby will come out of me. The only comfort I have is there will be epidural and CPMC is the best hospital in SF for delivering babies.

Now that motherhood is imminent, I am nostalgic of the days of just being a daughter, a girlfriend, and a wife. It seems so much easier then. Don't get me wrong, I am so looking forward to meeting my daughter in May. It's just that becoming a mom sounds like so much more responsibility - what if I forget her in the car or left her in the store somewhere?

I know these are typical fears of being a mom, but they are still there. I now realize my mom and moms in general are the greatest people on earth. She had to worry about me 24 hours a day and care for me while I played happily and grow up well adjusted. Now I get to do that for my daughter.

I have always wanted children and now I think this could be my most treasured achievement if I can bring a child to the world, care for her and love her unconditionally and see her grow up to be a mother someday as well.

- Lei