10 most effective parenting tips

In order of priority. I think #2 is often overlooked and not considered, but it is crucial. See full article on this at http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=77315

1) Love and affection. You support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.

2. Stress management. You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.

3. Relationship skills. You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with other people.

4. Autonomy and independence. You treat your child with respect and encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.

5. Education and learning. You promote and model learning and open-mindedness for your child.

6. Life skills. You provide for your child, have a steady income and plan for the future.

7. Behavior management. You make extensive use of positive reinforcement and punish only when other methods of managing behavior have failed.

8. Health. You model a healthy lifestyle and good habits, such as regular exercise and proper nutrition, for your child.

9. Religion. You support spiritual or religious development and participate in spiritual or religious activities.

10. Safety. You take precautions to protect your child and maintain awareness of the child's activities and friends.

Lei

Parenthood is about Patience

Did you know that what we learned and conclude about ourselves between the ages of 0 to 7 years old, fundamentally determines who we are as adults - whether we are confident, perfectionist, overachievers, insecure, passionate etc...

If you look at any issues you may have today as adults, if you look deep enough, it's probably stems from something that happened between birth and age 7. It doesn't necessarily have to be something dramatic. This also doesn't mean you had bad parents. Your parents probably tried their best.

As I am a parent now, I am very conscious of what environment Isabel is living in and how I respond to her. She is an open book right now, a blank slate and it is important for me to realize how powerful my role is as a mom in her eyes. Of course, I can't and won't be perfect but just being conscious of how my response may affect her even if she doesn't seem to fully understand what's going on will help me be a better parent.

Recently, while reading in the book - Rays of Dawn - I learned something very important about parenthood. It said "to be hasty and inconsiderate with children breeds fear, discouragement, or self-condemnation."

I think how easy it can be sometimes for a parent to be impatient with a child. Children are great at interrupting parents no matter what we may be doing and it is our role as adults to realize that it's not the kids' fault to be excited and want to share something with me. It is our role to patiently educate kids to perhaps wait until I am done with something and not just react impatiently or drop everything whenever they call on us (which is unrealistic).

My relationship with Isabel hasn't gotten to that point yet as I am always so happy to see her but I can see once she starts walking and talking, she may want my attention all the time and I cannot always give it. In which case, I want to remind myself to be patient.

In this book, I also learned that "Many an inferiority complex can be attributed to a parent's or teacher's habitual impatient attitude toward a deficiency or a lack in the child." I can see this being especially true with Asian parents as we may focus too much attention on the 10 points a child may have missed on a test instead of also celebrating the 90 points she got. Culturally, we think this is tough love and will only make our kids better, but I think there is a balance to everything and Isabel will need as much encouragement and support from us as well as understanding where she can be better.

Parenthood is a challenge and a great adventure. I am so looking forward to educating Isabel on the wonders of the world, encouraging her to explore and perhaps make mistakes, be always curious to learn more, and letting her know that no matter what, we will always love her, support her. This is easier said than done, but I am enjoying every moment as a mom.

- Lei

Rather ride on a Rollercoaster

It's been a long time since I have seen the movie "Parenthood" (starring Steve Martin). It was on cable yesterday and seeing it now as a parent is so different from when I saw it as a kid in the late 80's.

There was a great scene in the movie, where the Grandma in the movie started to tell Steve Martin's character and his wife a story about how she used to love riding on roller coasters with her husband. It made her scared, sick, excited, and exhilarated all at the same time. She said that she could have just rode the merry go-around and play it safe, but it would not have been as much fun.

I thought it was such a wise story. I hope to always choose to ride the roller coaster of life with Jaime instead of the Merry Go-around. It may not always feel safe and predictable, but it will be an adventure.

- Lei