Happiness depends on me

Taking a break from "baby talk" ....

A friend of mine sent me this article a few weeks ago, called The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough and asked me what I thought. It's a very long article, but the basic idea seems to be, in order to be happy, women should settle and marry Mr. Good Enough once they hit a certain age instead of staying single and waiting for Mr. Perfect.

I was surprised that the article actually made me think a lot... Perhaps I have too much time on my hand. My take is the article actually misses the point all together. I think happiness in relationships and marriage starts with you and not as much the mate you choose. I like to think this because it gives us women more power in the matter of our happiness. If we want the happiness we see others have in marriage, we must start from within with Self-Awareness, Confidence, and Openness.

Self Awareness
First, it take some self awareness to realize that there is no Mr. Perfect. Trying to find Mr. Perfect is only a losing battle. I only learned this myself in my 30s as I looked for Mr. Perfect in all of my 20s and never found any. I was very quick to start seeing the flaw in others with every guy I dated. Not a fun or rewarding experience. Not surprisingly, everyone I met had flaws. In my 30s, I realized however, if I for some reason, found Mr. Perfect, what is to say he will think I am Ms. Perfect?. Also, what can I contribute to the relationship if he is already perfect. That's when I changed my thinking and started looking for someone I can compliment.

Another part of self awareness is knowing what you must have in a relationship to be happy and what you can give up. This, to me, is NOT the same as settling, but more like self-understanding. There are probably AT MOST 10-15 attributes we need to be happy with our mate. Do you know what yours are? Can you distinguish that from that 50 other things that you may also want but can probably live without?

Lastly i find self awareness helpful to keep me realistic about who I can attract and can be attracted to me. I know a friend today who is probably a "7" but would only want to date men who are "9," but not too surprisingly none of those men want to date her. While this seems harsh, it also seems to be reality. Not everyone lives in it though. Unfortunately there is no easy way to tell a friend this even if you have the best intentions. The journey to self awareness needs to be self-initiated

Confidence
Another important factor to happiness is confidence. Let's say you know the 10 things you need in a mate to be happy and you know you are realistic about the type of men you can attract. As you get older, will you start waiving on what you need? I read a book from the eHarmony founder once that said if you only get 9 out of 10 of what you really need in a mate, then you could still be unhappy for the rest of your life in that marriage because you and your mate will always fight about that one thing.

Perhaps some people are ok with that, but I would call that settling. It takes a certain confidence to stick to what you need and to believe that you deserve to marry someone who have all 10 attributes of what you need. I am not talking perfection here. One of the ten things could be "we both want children" or "we both have similar level sex drive". On the other hand, "he has to be a good cook" is probably not one of the ten attributes that anyone needs to be happy. It may be what you want, but knowing the difference is self awareness and marrying someone only when you found everything you need takes confidence.

Openness
Last, but not the least is openness. Finding a good mate requires us to be open minded about what form they may come in. I used to know a woman who says I must marry someone who is smart and then turns around and actually only dates men who has a MBA from the top 20 schools. Then she complains that there are no good men out there. I find that tragic that she is missing out on so many smart men who may have not chosen to get a MBA or any graduate degrees. Heck, many CEOs today never finished college or go to a top tier college. By narrowing the criteria so tightly, this woman is only doing herself a disservice and probably missing out on chances to meet a good mate.

Similarly I hear about friends who only want to date someone successful and then if they are online, set the criteria at $100K in annual income. How arbitrary is that... and then of course, there are also those that says I can't do the online thing. Well, why the heck not? It can only increase your chances. Sometimes we seem to focus so much on saying that there are no good men out there for us as an excuse for our unhappiness, when in fact many times, we have limited our focus so much that it is us who is responsible for not finding that special someone and not so much that they are not out there.

Openness also mean being able to open up and be vulnerable once there is some potential in your dates. As we get older, I think we build a lot more walls around us. It is the same for men and women and frankly if you are waiting for the men to open up first, you may be waiting a long time. They do mature slower you know and someone has to lead the way and take a risk. Only when you take risks with your vulnerability in your emotion can you elicit possible openness.

At the end of the day, I believe it's our action and changes from within that can affect our own happiness with our current or future mate... There are many people out there doing the same thing over and over again and dating the same kind of men and then complain that life sucks. Well, change something within could help much more because doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result is the definition of insanity. We are not insane but I think it is just easier to blame others for our unhappiness.

Well, I believe we have the power to create our own happiness by changing our own perspective and action in life. There is no need to settle and get married when you reach a certain age. Marriage does not equate to happiness anyways since more than 50% of marriage fail in the US. Why settle and get those odds? With self-awareness, confidence, and openness, couldn't we all find Mr. Right eventually?

I know I found mine. He may not have come when I was 28 as I planned and is far from perfect, but I know we make each other better people when we are together and I know I can grow in life with him. I am an optimist I guess and believe everyone can find their right match if they just focused more energy on growing from within and changing themselves and their perspectives first.

- Lei

"Don't be a hero!"

This is probably the most important advice I have gotten so far in my pregnancy. Since I am in my 8th month now, Jaime and I took our childbirth classes this month. While I learned a lot, it also freaked me out as we saw many explicit videos of late stage labor without epidural and very visual child birth. Let's just say I didn't walk away feeling too settled. The potential for real pain was quite daunting.

I was also conflicted. My mom had me without any epidural and actually at the time in China, no relatives were allowed in the labor and delivery room. She basically did it all alone. Yikes. can't even imagine that!

Also, I thought since this is a natural part of being a woman, maybe I should try the labor first before deciding on whether to use epidural. of course, on the other hand, I am fairly scared of the pain I saw women experienced on these videos.

Well, luckily I spoke to some friends who already had babies and was set straight right away. One friend's story especially helped. She has two kids now, one 3 years old and one six months old. She had the epidural early with her first, so she felt relatively little discomfort. With her second, she thought since she didn't experience much in her first and this is her last, maybe she should feel the labor a bit and see how far she can handle before going for the epidural.

Well, what do you think happened? Let's just say she highly does not recommend that. She ended up not getting her epidural until well into active labor and since she was deciding late, she had to wait longer for the epidural doctor to administer the procedure since there was a line now for the medicine. So even more pain than she bargained for.

So the morale of her story - "Don't be a hero!" You don't get any points for feeling more pain. The goal is healthy mom and healthy baby anyway you can do it!

I have my decision...
p.s: Apparently getting an Epidural does not guarantee pain free. I will feel pressure and if the medicine didn't cover all the necessary nerves, I will still feel pain in some areas. Typically it's 15% ineffective. Pretty high probability still... yikes...

- Lei

Lesson of the Week

The Man's Baby Care Guide

Letter to wife:

Honey,

I've really been trying to read more about raising a baby: The Man's Guide to Baby Care

Even though I knew quite a bit about babies already, this useful guide has made it crystal clear on what to do and what not to do. The learning just never ends.

Love you,

Justme

The Coming of the Little Ninja

I didn't believe it many years ago when someone told me that martial arts could teach me to be a better person, but it showed me more to life than fighting. I can't begin to explain how much it's help guide me through adversity in life which leads me to hope that my daughter will take it for a bit. No pressure. Just experience it for a little. I guess that's why I've focused, for the better part of the last few years, on teaching kids. As I prepare for the coming of my little one, I can only hope that she gets as much out of it as I have over the past 15 years. Beware: the coming of the little ninja is upon us.

- Jaime

New appreciation for my mom and all mothers!

Becoming a mom is still so surreal. I may be 7 month pregnant but that doesn't really mean I am ready to be a mom or know much about what it means. It's still an unfathomable concept that a whole baby will come out of me and not some "stork" that will drop her off.

I guess I am still avoiding thinking too much about labor and delivery and how the heck a 7-8 pounds baby will come out of me. The only comfort I have is there will be epidural and CPMC is the best hospital in SF for delivering babies.

Now that motherhood is imminent, I am nostalgic of the days of just being a daughter, a girlfriend, and a wife. It seems so much easier then. Don't get me wrong, I am so looking forward to meeting my daughter in May. It's just that becoming a mom sounds like so much more responsibility - what if I forget her in the car or left her in the store somewhere?

I know these are typical fears of being a mom, but they are still there. I now realize my mom and moms in general are the greatest people on earth. She had to worry about me 24 hours a day and care for me while I played happily and grow up well adjusted. Now I get to do that for my daughter.

I have always wanted children and now I think this could be my most treasured achievement if I can bring a child to the world, care for her and love her unconditionally and see her grow up to be a mother someday as well.

- Lei

10 more weeks to go!

Wow time flies when you look backward. When I was 16 weeks, I already thought I was big. I know better now. It will be interesting to see how big I get in another 10 when I am due. She is making a lot more visible movement now. I think I can feel her elbow or knee in addition to her head and butt. It freaks Jaime out a little sometime to feel a strong kick. I am used to it I guess. Just hope she is gentle on mommy when she gets even bigger. She is about 3.5 pounds now. :-)

--------16 weeks--------- ---------- 22 weeks --------- -------- 30 weeks ---------

-Lei

Vegas Baby Shower was over the top awesome!

I was never someone who knew much about the traditions of baby showers or expected much from any shower. That, however didn't stop my wonderful mother in law from throwing the ultimate baby shower for me and baby lapena this past Saturaday, Feb 23, 2008.

From food to decorations to games and favors, every last detail was intricately designated and flawlessly executed. I am blessed and really overwhelmed by all the effort and excitement around this event. You can see all the pictures here and here.

Here are the highlights:

1. The centerpiece was so creatively done - see picture on the left. Mom bought a basket and painted it pink and then put together this display on the table. All the guests then left the gift in front of this centerpiece.

2. The gifts were overflowing from complete stroller sets to many cute outfits to practical things we asked for in our registry. It was so much fun opening so many presents at once. It was like a mega - xmas in Feb. :-) Thank god for Emily for keeping track of who gave us what.

3. The hand decorated home-made Apple-Carrot cake - wow - beautiful and delicious. I love the little teddy bear on top of the cake - it will the baby's first teddy bear

4. baby bottle shaped name tags and fake pacifiers for all to wear

5. pass the dirty diaper game and the diaper change team competiton in blinds. It was hilarious to watch all these auntie in these game. We had a total of 26 guests all friends of my mother in law

6. beautifully decorated tables with streamer, dolls, baby stuff, and our pictures in coaster - very detailed touches on everything.

7. Food was fantastic - lumpia, empanada, baked macoroni, finger sandwiches (the chicken one was my favorite) + cookies and candies

8. The custom hat Tita Tusa made of all the streamers from the gift. Jaime had to wear and suck on a fake pacifier to take a picture. You can see on the photo link above. So cute... :-)

What can I say - I was quite speechless when I first saw the decoration and still feel overwhelmed just how big of a party it was for my mother in law to throw. Baby was probably also excited as there were lots of excited voices and conversation during the shower. All in all - way beyond what I expected and a blast.

Thanks mom, dad, Em, and all the aunties for a very memorable baby shower in Vegas!

-Lei

I passed! I passed! :-)

On Feb 12, I got an unexpected call from the OB nurse. I didn't pass my first Glucose test. That was not what I expected to hear at all. This means I could have gestational diabetes and need to be much more careful the last three months. Yikes. I began to worry.

The nurse said I have to take another test for them to be sure. It's a 3 hour test at 7am and 4 blood drawls at hour 0,1,2,3 and fast the night before after 8pm. (not the most pleasant thought). I also heard the sugar drink I get won't be as pleasant as the first one. They were right - very sweet. Even though she said I have a 70% chance of passing that one, I wasn't reassured much.

I started doing research. It turns out 10-15% of pregnant women 35 or over can be diabetic during their last trimester. It's fairly common and can be managed with better nutrition and possible self-administered test (the infamous daily finger pricking to check sugar level). Again not a pleasant thought. However, after the pregnancy, most if not all women go back to normal. Without monitoring this condition, the baby can grow to be too big or be hypoglycemic.

Overall, I guess it's not so bad, but still I was not looking forward to the prospect of it all in my last trimester. I went in at 7am on Wed, Feb 20 to take the test. The nurses were really nice since they know how annoying this test is for us, so the experience wasn't too bad.

Today, I got the call. The nurse said "You passed with flying colors." Wow, imagine my relief. I have never been so happy to pass a test!

- Lei

Top Baby Names in 2007

So many people have asked us if we chose a name yet for our baby girl. We have a few contenders but no clear winner yet, so for now, we are chosing not to share the front runners yet. :-)Frankly, we have not done too much research on this yet. Still have 11 weeks to think about it.

Here are the top girl baby names for 2007 that I found on babycenter website. All sounds pretty good :-) We will see.

Girls' names
1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Madison
5. Ava
6. Addison
7. Hailey
8. Emily
9. Kaitlyn
10. Olivia

What do you think will go well with Lapena?

-Lei

Bikram Yoga and Pregnancy

Bikram Yoga rocks... at least at the studio I take it, which is in the Castro at 20th and Eureka. with Lamott as the Instructor. I have done Bikram Yoga for about 2 years there before I got pregnant. Once I found out I was pregnant though, I had to stop, especially in the first trimester since the heat may endanger my tiny baby.

I was pleasantly surprised, however, when my doctor said I could return to doing it with modified poses starting my second trimester.

I am so glad I did. I started going back once a week since first week of January (around my 22 week) and it has been awesome for my back and for my whole feeling of well-being.

Before then, I was getting so anxious as I haven't worked out much for 4 months and I used to exercise 3 times a week. On top of that, I was feeling like my body was growing out of control - I am sure a common feeling in pregnancy.

After starting Bikram again, I feel much more at ease with my growing body and feel less clumsy as well. I also love the heat in my studio. It's radiant heat, so it's not that unpleasant blast of occasional dry overbearing heat from regular heaters. It's like working out in a super warm tropical climate instead. Since I have done it before, the heat is actually welcoming instead of unbearable. Baby seems to like it as well and kicks me occasionally during my poses.

Since I cannot squeeze my belly, I modify about 50% of the poses which eases the exercise but still last 90 min to help me stretch and strengthen. Overall, it's been great.

Amazingly my doctor said I can continue Bikram for as long as I want during my pregnancy as long as I don't feel faint or super tired afterwards, so we will see how long I will continue. The icing on the cake too is that Jaime goes with me every Wed to Yoga. So we get a little mid-week husband and wife outing filled with healthy exercise and a good meal afterwards :-)

- Lei

Valentine's Day - A day of love, tension, or both?

Happy Valentine's Day! This seems to be the most stressful day in the year. Singles don't like it because it's supposed to be for couples and all day serves as a reminder they are still single (even if they are fabulous).

Most long term couples also end up fighting about something during this week. Too much pressure and expectations are placed on the men that makes them edgy; women are usually more sensitive even if we don't really like the holiday. Love is expected to be in the air and therfore creates more tension.

I think V-Day is really created to boost the flower, chocolate, jewlery, and restaurant industries. It's also more of a holiday for new couples as there is so much expectations and meaning artificially built in - "are we exclusive? what will he get me? what does that mean?"

For us "old couples," it's more like "will he remember to get me a card?" "do we really want to overpay for our meal just to go out?" Usually the day or weekend after is the best as the expectations are over and we get to just enjoy each other's company like any other week.

Already I heard of 3 couples including me having fights this week with our spouses. It's perhaps a coincidence or the added tension of romance expectations. Either way, I always view this holiday with mixed feelings, expectations, and some relief when it's over.

I agree love should be celebrated. I just prefer to celebrate it every day throughout the year. :-)

- Lei

My belly button is moving!

First of all, for those who are a bit freaked out by this photo, this is NOT a picture of me! I am only in my 28th week and my baby is just about 2 pounds, so the foot won't be this large.

However, I do hear that it maybe possible to see a foot or an elbow later on in my pregnancy. So I guess that is what it looks like. My belly button is almost flat now and ready to become an outie.

For the first time yesterday, I can visibly see movements of my baby when I look at my stomach. She is still really active - doing gymnastics in there, I suppose.

It is a bit freaky to see my stomach and belly button move, but cool at the same time. What a miracle! I am growing a baby. I know I am over 6 month pregnant so this is not a new idea but everytime I think about it, I think it's so amazing that my body knows and the baby knows how to grow and what to grow. I guess I will look out for that foot in April. yahhza!

- Lei

More Q&A with my OB

1. When should I stop doing bikram yoga?
whenever I feel like it - no restriction. I can do them until I am 9 months if I want
2. Do you know how much my baby weighs now?
it's probably about 2 pounds
3. Do we file paternity benefit paperwork with you as well?
Yes. you can download form online
4. What is the position of the baby?
It's all over and rotating a lot
5. Are you 100% sure it's a girl? 99%. ultrasound technician usually will say if they are not sure
6. when is my next ultrasound?
no more until labor as I have a very normal pregnancy
7. can I still drive in my 9th month?
yes
8. when should we do tour of hospital?
last month of pregnancy
9. does drinking water help with contractions?
yes, especially false ones
10. when do you need to see my birth plan?
I don't ever need to see it. It's more of a guide for you, not a requirement
11. are foot massages safe until the 9th month?
yes
12. do I need to designate a pediatrician before birth?
yes, but you don't need to notify him of labor - we will contact him/her
13. travel restrictions?
can travel still in the 8th months fly or drive is ok - just take breaks
14. Am I AB+, AB- or AB?
AB+
15. I sweat a lot at night. is this normal?
yes
16. 100% cocoa butter - safe?
yes
17. 1000 yr old egg - safe to eat?
yes
18. chiro care - safe?
yes
19. If I overeat and sometimes food will come up - if this normal?
very normal

4th Annual Chinese New Year Dinner

We had another great Chinese New Year celebration - I think our biggest ever with 26 people and 3 tables at Hunan Homes.

It was definitely a feast as our table alone ordered the 10 person banquet for 8 people + many bottles of Qingtao beer :-)

Somehow I managed to convince everyone for a group photo. I had so much fun. Thanks everyone for coming.

For more photos from this dinner, click here

Best wishes in the year of the Rat!!!!

- Lei