Why couples fight

It doesn't matter how much a couple love each other, fighting is almost always inevitable. Perhaps it's expression of love to care so much. What do you think? If a couple says they never fight, are they the perfect couple or do they just not love each other enough or does one person completely dominate the relationship? If a couple always fight, are they just a bad match or do they actually fight because they care and are easier hurt by the other's words. I guess there is a balance to all things - not healthy to not fight ever or always fight. Some fighting can be good.

99% of couple fight due to one reason and one reason only - mis-communication. One person say the wrong word or the right words but with the wrong tone and the other will react to the wrong words or wrong tone and start interpreting based on their insecurities and respond back in kind (wrong word or wrong tone or both). At the end of the day, each begin pointing fingers at the other person saying why it's because the other person started first when in fact it's probably even odds who started first. Then it spirals downward to he said she said and why the other person is wrong. What is the point? To be right is to be alone and to be sacrificing the feeling of love, warmth, peace, joy. To admit wrong however seems so hard when our pride or ego or heart feel wounded.

What about taking a step back and just decide to tell the other person as soon as you feel an "attack" that "I don't think you are meaning to do this, but I am feeling attacked by your tone or words." and have the other person realize the first person is trying to not react to an unintentional slight and also back off by saying "sorry, I don't mean to attack you at all. Let me try again. I just wanted to know xyz. Is my tone ok now?"

That probably will not end up as a fight, but it is soooooooo hard to do or to remember to do. Whenever we feel attacked, even it's because of our own interpretation and not intentional by the other person, our first response is to defend or attack back or both. No time to pause and think - do I want to do this? Even if he started it, I can stop it by not reacting and try to diffuse it with an even tone. If we don't stop and think, then our insecurities take over - "she is telling me I am not good enough." "He doesn't love me enough" " He doesn't care enough" "She is attacking me for no reason." whatever we think of is WRONG but feels so true at that moment.

Fighting is unhealthy if we don't learn from our mistakes. Then we would fight the same way every single time for the rest of our lives and just learn to cope with the hurt feelings. It's not a great way to live but most couples seem to accept it as part of marriage. I guess I am only 2 years into it and still believe that people evolve and get better if they want to be better.

Let's hope my conviction is the same 10 years from now.

- Lei