Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Being a new mom is sometimes like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hated it when I feel that way, but for some reason I cannot shake it at times. I feel it at least once a week. I wonder if all new moms go through this or just moms who are also type A perfectionists.

Do you know what I mean by waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's the anticipation of something unpleasant to happen. For example, whenever I go do a blood test, I have to look at the needle to see when it will prick me. This way, I can relax until it happens and I know how long it will last and only brace for the discomfort when I see the needle go in. Otherwise, if I was looking away, I would hate the feeling of anticipating that pain but not knowing when it's going to happen. Then I end up suffering for the whole time I am there waiting and when the needle hits me.

Well, it's like that sometime with Isabel. She is a baby, so her sleep schedule is unpredictable. Sometime, she gets up once or none during the night and other times she may get up 3 times in one night. For some reason, some nights, I would feel uneasy and almost wait for her to wake up to feed. That unfortunately translates to very light and uneasy sleep.

I think it's because I associate her getting up multiple times with her being uncomfortable or hurt for some reason. I have tried all kinds of methods to find out what makes her comfortable. Most of which is around the temperature of her room and how much she is wearing. It's obsessive, I know, but somehow I keep doing it. I am getting better as I have noticed no clear pattern. Like a scientist, I have been keeping track of her room temperature and how often she gets up, with no clear answers.

At the end of the day, I think I just need to accept that she is a baby and actually a very healthy one. Her getting up once or many times is random, it's what babies do, and I can't change it even if I want to. I guess it is the control freak side of me that is having a hard time accepting it.

I am not always like this every night. Just some nights, especially when I am really tired. I guess I then try to control her environment hoping she won't get up too early since I need rest. I end up doing the opposite however and worry so much that I don't rest even though she sleeps fine. Ironically, during those nights, I actually am relieved when she finally does get up to feed. It's similary to finally feeling that needle in the arm of a blood test. I end up relaxing and sleeping like a baby after that.

Life as a new mom is definitely different in some ways. I am coping better everyday though. Some of the illogical things I do doesn't even make sense to me, but I guess this is what people mean when they say no one worries the way a mom does for her baby.

- Lei